It’s already 10 days into Lent. I noted its beginning, last week on Ash Wednesday. I did not go to church and get ashes placed on my forehead. I really didn’t want to participate in this tradition of my faith this year. No particular reason. I guess just my continual questioning of what I do and why I do it as it relates to my faith, my Catholic faith, which I strongly embrace, at least the core beliefs. But I have become disappointed and down right angry with the abuse perpetrated by so many church leaders, and the subsequent cover-ups by others. This is not the church to which I want to belong. I know many good people who are in leadership and many more who devoutly participate in the life of the church. But for me, for now, I need a little distance. Not from the faith, not from my God, but from the institution.

I have not been an active participant for about a year and a half since the revelation of widespread abuse by priests, and the cover ups, in dioceses in Pennsylvania and Buffalo. I’ve participated in some social outreach events sponsored by my parish, and have attended Easter and Christmas masses and a few other masses, when guests to my home wanted to attend. But aside from that, I’ve pretty much been a no show. Each time I’ve gone to mass, I kinda hoped I would experience something that would pull me back, make me want to return the following week. Why?

I miss being a part of a faith community. I believe there is great power in communal worship. “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20. I am blessed to have friends that I can discuss faith and God. I belong to a weekly centering prayer group, eight amazing women of deep faith, where we pray and talk about God in our lives. I get more out of those weekly gatherings than any mass I’ve attended, praying and sharing much like the early Christian disciples. We even break bread and drink from a cup, though its usually homemade banana bread or biscotti with a hot cup of coffee! Why isn’t this enough?

I feel closer to God these days than ever in my life. I have a dedicated daily morning prayer practice that includes centering prayer and meditation, spiritual reading, prayer journaling. I try to thank God every night before I go to sleep for the blessings of the day, there are always so many. I feel God’s presence on my daily walks, either with my beloved dog Xena, or on my own. Sometimes I head to the James River, the movement of the water somehow bringing forth God’s Holy Spirit. And every opportunity that I get to face an ocean, I take time to absorb its magnificence, its power, its pull, and revel in the majesty of a God that loves perfectly, consistently, mightily.

Maybe my desire to find “church” is rooted in our shared human nature to want to belong. Want to be a part of something. A desire for connection. I have that in my life, blessed to have meaningful relationships with a large family and circle of friends. Maybe it’s the “Catholic guilt,” instilled over 50-plus years. “Ya know, it’s a sin to miss mass.” Hoo boy, I’m in big trouble! Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a recognition that there is strength in numbers, that we humans need one another in every aspect of living, and worship is a part of that.

This Lent, I am not giving anything up. My Lenten intention is to go on a quest to find a community of faith, to celebrate God’s love with others. I pray with confidence that God’s Holy Spirit will guide me, give me the courage to explore, the strength to persist, the confidence to show up. Let the adventure begin!

I took this picture on January 1, 2020. The start of a new year, a new decade. I felt blessed to be standing at a place where I feel God’s presence so profoundly. The constant rise and fall of the waves, whether large and crashing or gentle and rolling, remind me of God’s ever presence. I closed my eyes and stood in silent prayer, allowing my breath to sync with the sound of the ocean, as the waves rolled in and rolled out. I believe God is in the waves, in the sound of the waves. Listen, just listen. And I believe God is in my breath, the whisper in my breath, moving in and out of my body. Listen, just listen.

Thoughts and Prayers: a typical phrase conveying artificial care and concern for people adversely affected by any number of situations in life; a phrase used in fake concern by people knowing damn well they’re not going to do anything to help.

Urban Dictionary

I get it. The phrase, “thoughts and prayers,” is tossed about carelessly, over and over in the wake of every tragedy and adversity, almost like the obligatory “God bless you” when someone sneezes. While it is not for me to judge the sincerity of those sharing this sentiment (though I generally believe most are well meaning), I can understand why the phrase provokes frustration and anger. Action. Action is what is wanted, needed, in times of strife and crisis, especially when the person extending these thoughts and prayers is in a position to act. Political, corporate and community leaders have the power, the means, to take action, solve problems, prevent crisis, right? But if we are to be honest with our collective self, all 7 billion of us have the ability, however small, to act and make change. And I’d like to think our actions are informed by thought and prayer. So is this comment really so offensive?

I’m not a political or social advocate. I’m not a great mind or philosopher, nor am I overly religious. But I like to think about all the things going on in my life, my family, my community and world and reflect on how it all connects with my deep faith in a God who loves more than I can comprehend. My relationship with God is dynamic, ever changing and deepening. Just when I think I may be starting to figure things out, figure God out, I am swept into a new realm of unknowing, a new dimension in my spiritual universe, a new faith adventure. And, it is through prayer, my daily conversations with God, my daily silence with God, my daily knowing, trusting, believing in God, even when I forget to know, trust and believe, that fuels my journey. To borrow a quote from Mahatma Gandhi, prayer strengthens my beliefs, informs my thoughts, crafts my words, prompts my actions, creates my habits, forms my values, guides my destiny.