The dark thought, the shame, malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Rumi
I am fearful. I am faithful. Two descriptions that seem to contradict one another. If I have faith in a God that I know ABSOLUTELY loves me, than why would I fear? Why would I worry about all the things I worry about, both big and small? Why do I experience anxiety, the physical and emotional stun gun, that stop me in my tracks, takes away my breath, my focus, my energy? Is it sinful, as I have heard others suggest, to worry, to have fear and anxiety? Is that not doubting God? Doubting God’s will for me, for others? When I fret, am I not saying, I don’t trust you, God, this time I might know better than you.
I believe God created all our human qualities and emotions. . . love, compassion, reason, and yes, fear. Fear can be healthy, it can keep us safe, cause us to pause and size up a situation before acting. But like every other human quality, fear can get distorted. Sometimes we “love” too much, to the detriment of ourselves or another. We can “care” too much or overthink things. So it’s in our nature to experience feelings and emotions in a spectrum of ways. That’s just how God made us, dynamic and complex.
Often, I try to run away from my fear and anxiety. I may drink too much wine or eat too much food. I might retreat socially, avoid people who care, who would listen or help. I imagine being chased by my fear and anxiety, a large, dark ghost like being trying to overtake me, consume me, as I try to escape. It is not until I stop, weary and spent, and slowly turn to face the fear, stare it down, name it, and yes, open my arms and allow it to enter, that I can begin to tame it, take away its strength and control. As I spend time with my fear, reflect on what it is really trying to tell me, it weakens even more. And, if I can muster the courage, to accept the fear and anxiety as a sage teacher, I will understand its lesson — stay safe, love wisely, forgive often, be kind, show compassion, don’t judge, others or yourself.
Fear informs my faith, guides my prayers. It tells me what I need from God, how God can help, will help me. Perhaps not in the way I imagine or desire, but in a way that is right for me. It will continue to visit, that I am sure, but I will strive to welcome with courage, grace and faith, knowing God will be with me when I answer its call. And in that, I fearlessly believe.
Thoughts & Prayers 